WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO MISS YOU
I miss you. Like “I love you”, I worry about how often I tell you this because I am terrified that I am stripping those words of their depth and meaning. Sometimes, I wonder how long it will take for me to not feel the pain in my chest when I think about you. I wonder if I will eventually regain control of my tear ducts when moments like missing you and saying goodbye to you arise. I wonder if that day will come. I only think about you. You’re all I think about because I can’t stop thinking about you. The more I try to keep myself occupied and distracted, the harder it gets.
In order to try to lessen the aching feeling in my chest, I spend my days looking at photos and videos of you. I read back all the messages that we’ve sent to one another. Every single day, I turn to the calendar to countdown the days till I get to see you. It is pathetic because I know every word in the videos and every facial expression in the photos. I do not need to rely on the calendar to countdown the day I return to you because I spend every waking minute wishing time would pass faster only to feel guilty that while I am desperately wishing to be with you, I am also wishing, at the same time, to be away from home and my family and friends. I am a terrible daughter, sister and friend. It is tearing me apart.
Right now, it is harder not to think about you than it is to think about you.
Right now, a person on the other side of the world misses you more than she has ever missed a person before.
Right now, the same person on the other side of the world loves you so much that it scares and surprises her at the same time.
I love you so much and
I miss you terribly.